It took until this morning, but the spiraling hole of loneliness and melancholy I had felt since Saturday seems to have finally passed. It’s strange to me that a slash fanfiction was the catalyst, but I believe it was the crystallization of my isolation and cabin fever that began with the death of my grandmother at the beginning of December and has mostly continued without respite due to the violent winter this year. I tried to combat my feelings by spending time with friends and family, and while I am forever grateful for their love and support, my despondency would return as soon as my isolation began anew or even if my mind wandered while in the company of others. I also found myself desperately seeking a romantic interest in any of the people passing around me (at least on this past Saturday) to fill this void. However, I recognized this and kept it in check because desperation is the worst foundation for any kind of partnership.
Today, however, I woke up with a feeling of lightness and have been in a fantastic mood all day. The spiraling black hole below my heart is no longer there and I hope it does not come back. My purpose in documenting this occurrence is two-fold:
1.) to remind myself of these feelings in the future
2.) to revel in the fact that I have stopped numbing myself to unpleasant feelings.
In re to 1.), I wouldn’t necessarily classify this episode as depression, or else any depressive spells do not manifest for me through inactivity. I was quite productive all weekend: taking care of AC Transit Council things, filling out my new lease, gathering papers for taxes, cleaning my current apt (+ dishes), cooking, calling people far away, going over my bank statements.
2.) Prior to the deaths of two of my grandparents in December 2013, I had been numbing myself to unpleasant or negative emotions for a long stretch of years. I thought I was being the strong, stoic, stable one amongst other people having their lives in a mess or falling apart in an uncontrolled whirlpool of emotion. Going through the past few months has broken down the walls I had erected to keep feelings out, and taught me that feeling things is healthy and ok. I can feel things and have visible emotional reactions to things without letting those emotions take over. I can retain control and stability and still feel. And it’s good to feel; I feel more in tune with myself, more in touch with my relationships with those around I care about, and filled with hope that I can stay engaged should I pursue any romantic avenues in the future.