Well here I am. Another bout of sleeplessness despite being exhausted all day. I'm so tired of this and I'm not sure how it'll get better when James moves in. But at the same time I want him to move in - both for myself and for him.
In his case, I want his stress levels to go down by not living with his mother or keeping everything in a backpack anymore. I'm hoping this will reduce or all but eliminate his auras and partial seizures. For myself, I'm hoping that with his better state of mind it will stop causing me this emotional rollercoaster. It'll also be a test, in my book, to see if moving in with him next August is a good idea.
Today I felt the entire spectrum of emotions toward him and it's exhausting. Last night he was sleepwalking due to stress and urinated in the sink. That disturbed me for most of the morning and when I pointed it out to him via text, he had no recollection but cleaned the sink. He also responded that he was "fucked" for that and I spent the rest of the day in tatters expecting a difficult conversation. At the happy hour for Kathy's departure, he arrived at my building and we joined the others. Any time we spoke with someone else, he became the dominant force in the conversation where I could barely get in a word edgewise. This has happened several times before and frankly I don't care if it's a coping or compensation method for his social anxiety because I get tired of feeling shoved into the background.
When we did get back to Morningside, we went to Bulldog for dinner and he negotiated for an extra beer - again. I don't know what to do about that because I feel like exerting my power of the decision makes him sad but I get tired of the negotiations when we're dining and alcohol is around.
The sleepwalking conversations wasn't the deep, difficult thing I was expecting but instead was him stating how and when it happens (stress, just like the seizures) that he doesn't remember anything. He then asked if I was okay and that was that. I just said yes and he stressed as in the morning texts that he didn't want me to feel like I had to be his caretaker. Stupidly I said nothing instead of asking his thoughts on strategies to minimize that happening. So that conversation topic ended swiftly and he spent the rest of dinner rambling on about happy things while I nearly fell asleep at the table, which was real. I was sleep deprived and bored but it was too late. He both chided me at the restaurant for wanting to leave when he wanted a second beer and I had to wait for that to be done and then AFTER WE HAD ALREADY GONE TO DINNER apologized for deciding to put forth those plans.
I could have and should have said no, so I'm not blameless, but really? I'm getting sick and tired of having to go through all these things like alcohol negotiations, hearing the same anecdotes over and over, and having extended dinners I didn't ask for just to preserve his mental stability. I feel like I can't ask for alone time or say no to plans without him pouting and trying to negotiate what he wants to do to make himself feel better or happier even when I have things I need and want to get done.
And then things continue and I feel happy again once we get back and I decide that homework isn't happening at all. Instead we hang out for a bit while James makes lunch and has a cigarette and then we watch Orange Is the New Black. While I like the show, it's a bit weird to me that he is constantly suggesting it unless he needs to talk. He's also not pursued sex in almost two weeks. I know I haven't wanted to have sex all the time, but it's very weird to me that all of a sudden his sex drive seems to have bottomed out and there has been no initiation from either side.
My major thought of the day was - will this be the rest of my life? I don't want it to be, but I don't know what to do. I feel trapped because of Greece and I feel trapped because of the potential consequences of what breaking up with him would do to his already precarious mental state. And then I have stretches where we are happy and I don't know what to do. It feels like they always get cut off by something.
Tonight I did get short with him over something insignificant but it felt nice to cut him off to bring him back to what I was trying to say. Sometimes I wonder if my lack of ability to make myself heard has given him a slightly different picture of me than what is real which makes me more "perfect for him" in his head than what I'm actually feeling. I also feel like he wants me and he wants a specific path from life and is trying to mold me to that.
I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it without coming everything coming across as one giant complain-fest but I also don't want to start the James-hate-train.